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All Out War Battel

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All Out War Battel was an event put on by the promotion Kaiju Big Battel. It took place on August 4, 2006 from The Warsaw in Brooklyn, New York.

Commentary

When Pablo Plantain suffered a fruital fatality at Someone Must Die!, Kaiju Big Battel changed forever. Many believed that Dr. Cube had finally gone too far, but who could stop him? With the loss of Pablo to the grim grocer, and the treacherous Silver Potato joining Cube's Posse, the Kaiju Heroes appeared to be going down the one-way drain of the Kaiju toilet. The Kaiju Heroes were not ready to succumb to the sewage suckage however, and accepted Dr. Cube's declaration of All Out War! Before a sold-out crowd at the Warsaw in Brooklyn, a legion of fans were treated to an epic night of Big Battels that would mark the rise of the Heroes out of the Kaiju dumper and back into the Big Battel limelight.

Fighto 1: Kong Quest

Hell Monkey defeated The Grudyin

View All Out War Gallery 1The night's first fighto proved that nobody was safe at All Out War - even Dr. Cube's top tag team were was at war with one another! After playing a major part in the Plantain piercing plot, the Apes of Wraths became embroiled in an internal dispute over the name of their tag team. Hell Monkey wanted to change their name to Primate is Enough, while The Grudyin wanted to keep the Apes of Wrath moniker. The rules of the Battel were simple - the first fighter to get the flag from the top of the Empire State Building and place it in their corner would be awarded the right to name the tag team!

From the second Referee Jingi signaled the Battel's start, Hell Monkey showed why he is one of Dr. Cube's favorite creations. Employing a nasty mixed bag of trickery and sheer brutality, the one-eyed ape from the darkside trounced all over the more inexperienced Grudyin. The Grudyin countered by launching a sinister battery of offensive moves against Hell Monkey as he tried to clear a path between him and the Empire State Building's towering facade. Dodging a series of foreign objects, including a jack hammer, a black metal mallet, and several over-sized barrels of the Donkey-Kong variety, Hell Monkey managed to elude The Grudyin's attack and soon had reestablished his dominance by crushing Grudyin's toothy skull against the side of the Empire State Building. With The Grudyin stunned, Hell Monkey was able to scale what was by then a mangled skyscraper and capture the flag.

In a shocking move, Hell Monkey then placed the flag into to the Apes of Wraths corner, and the Tag Team name remained untamed. Kaiju analysts speculate that Hell Monkey never actually intended to change the tag team name but merely wanted to assert his position as the top furry fury in the Posse.

Fighto 2: Pixie-Fungi Feud

Powa Ranjuru busted the Imposter Plantains

View All Out War Gallery 2Prior to All Out War, Shrooma Tango and Powa Ranjuru had become embroiled in a Fungi vs Pixie Dust feud, that to many observers seemed somewhat controived. In fact it turned out to be an elaborate setup perpetrated by - who else - the man!

What was set to be Shrooma Tango's debut match, and Powa Ranjuru's first solo fighto in years quickly fell apart as the CIA Imposter Plantains came rushing into the ring with arrest warrants in hand. After hog-tying Shrooma Tango, the CIA Imposters set their sights on Powa Ranjuru. Apparently, the Imit Plantains wanted to arrest Powa for illegal possession of Pixie Dust, a class D (for Danger) substance! When they tried to arrest Ranjuru however, she unleashed an acrobatic assault that harshed the mellows of both Kaiju narcs.

When the CIA Imposters managed to briefly regain the upperhand, Powa received an assist from Hero hare Dusto Bunny who happened to be nearby. With the combined power of Dusto's super-bunny strength and Powa's angelic aerial attack, it wasn't long before the Imposter Plantains were feeling dazed and abused.

Match 3: Protect the Bridge or Press Restart!

Giii beat the Hero-In-Training and leveled the New Brooklyn Bridge

View All Out War Gallery 3The mission was simple: the Hero-in-Training was to protect the recently (and intricately) erected "New Brooklyn Bridge" from all Kaiju threats. However, what should have been the Hero In Training's chance to shine, devolved into a disaster as a show-boating H.I.T, who was accompanied to the ring by his mentor American Beetle, began insulting the whole Intern Program by complaining about not being given a "real" assignment and boasting of his own excellence. The H.I.T.'s not-so-humble monologue was soon interrupted as mercanry space-pirate Giii entered and began to lay waste to both the New Brooklyn Bridge, and the Hero In Training himself.

As the H.I.T. absorbed hit after hit after hit, American Beetle yelled words of encourangement en espanol, until he could not stand idly by as his intern got trounced on. Beetle tried desperately to revive his intern with a bucket of water, but it was too little too late. The intern mounted a feeble comeback, but it was cut short when Giii delivered a devastating bomb dive off the top ropes, leveling both the Hero-In-Training and the New Brooklyn Bridge in one fell swoop.

Match 4: World's Biggest Loser Contest

Louden Noxious (!) made Call-Me-Kevin the World's Biggest Loser

View All Out War Gallery 4One of the biggest Battels of the night wasn'tt between two able Kaiju monsters. It was between two of the most inept Kaiju fighters in the history of the Kaiju Universe. Perennial loser Call-Me-Kevin entered the ring first, looking more determined then ever to secure his first victory. Then, moments later, Super Wrong made a grand entrance on roller skates to the adoring cries of hundreds of screaming girls, a full array of pulsing strobe lights, and the world's biggest disco balls. Super Wrong's grand entrance turned out to be a grand outro though, as he skated right off the ramp and broke both his ankles on the way to the ring.

Jingi declared Super Wrong unfit to fight, and was ready to declare him the Biggest Loser in the Big Battel, but he blood thirsty fans demanded a fighto and threated to rush the ring if ace Kaiju commentator Louden Noxious didn't deliver a match. Not knowing what to do, Louden asked who they wanted to see fight the sea beast, and suddenly every single finger pointed in his direction. Reluctantly, Louden entered the ring and began to lock up with Call-Me-Kevin. What followed must have seemed like an epic battel to Louden and Call-Me-Kevin, but to everyone else, it was more along the lines of two weaklings fighting it out after school. After a super kick and an off-the-top-rope head butt, Louden Noxious secured a victory in his first time inside the ring, and Call-Me-Kevin scored his most pathetic loss ever.

Battel 5: Big Battel, Fine Print

Kung-Fu Chicken Noodle w/ Pedro Plantain defeated Silver Potato and Dr. Cube

View All Out War Gallery 5The night's Main Event was a stipulation match of epic proportions. If Potato won, he would get a shot at Soup for the title at October's Big Battel event in Boston. If Soup won, he got to name his opponent for the upcoming Battel. If Pedro won, he would get a revenge match against Silver Potato, to avenge his brother's death. And if Cube won, he would automatically reclaim the Kaiju Champsionship Belt.

View All Out War Gallery 6After Louden made proper introductions, Jingi slapped the mat and the fighto began. After a quick exchange between Soup and Silver Potato, Pedro was able to tag in and rushed towards Silver Potato, ready to extract some revenge against his brother's killer. However, the traitor tater was having none of that, and he quickly tagged in Dr. Cube, who used his surgical precision and medical malpractice to gain the upper hand on the Plantain. Over the next two hours, a mind boggling procession of one-on-ones, two-on-ones, and two-on-twos ensued leaving the four combatants bruised and bloody. Just when it looked like Dr. Cube would regain the Championship Belt, Pedro Plantain somehow was abled to kick-out after Dr. Cube delivered his stem shattering iconoclysm. Soup used this momentary momentum to seize control of the Battel, taking out both Potato and Dr. Cube with his the infamous five-fingered chowder fist, before scoring the pin over Cube for the win.

With both Silver Potato and Dr. Cube handed a defeat at the hands of the Pedro Plantain and Soup, one can only wonder who chose as his championship challenger at the upcoming Boston Big Battel. With so many questions answered at this past battel, we are forced to ask new ones. What will become of the most famous tag teams in the history of both good and evil? Is the once-rakish Rogue Soup turning over a new label by befriending Pedro Plantain? Is this the opportunity the Heroes need to mount a full-fledged comeback? What does Dr. Cube have in store for the world? Make sure you are at the Avalon in Boston on October 20 to find out!

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